"JASON-ISMS" | jason-hait

Some of Jason's wittiest moments came not in his formal poetry or prose but in letters, emails, Facebook posts and everyday conversation. I've compiled some of these bon mots here. If you have any of your own to contribute, please email me.

Jason-isms

NPR Pledge Drive

Since the origin of the phrase regarding the certainty of death and taxes in life dates back to 1726, I feel obliged

to update it. Nothing is certain in life but death, taxes, and the NPR pledge drive.

NYC Dogwalkers' Haiku

Pensive thaws reveal
detritus, discoveries
on sidewalks coping.

Gmail Chat

Jason: Ha ha ha. (Villian wrings his fist, then pets cats.)

Ayelet: Villain misspelled "villain." Not allowed to pet cats anymore.

Jason: Villain need not know how to spel, given world domination plans.

Ayelet: "He who cannot spell has little chance of dominating world." - Ancient proverb

Jason: Villain is handy with knives.

Email Chat

Jason: I wanted to tell you, after our conversation, that you are officially the coolest thing since sliced hallah.

Ayelet: Sliced challah is a wondrous thing; therefore, I accept your compliment graciously.

Jason: Ahh, forever correcting my spelling. Let me make a point that Safire would admire: According to Merriam-Webster, there are numerous variations of the word "hallah" (the egg-rich bread traditionally eaten by Jews on the Sabbath and holidays.) Such variations include challah (your preferred version). However, dear editor, this writer chose to stick with the root source of the word, which is the Hebrew word. I do not claim that MW is an authority on such issues, but they do have adequate researchers.

Ayelet: I wasn't correcting your spelling, dear lad. Only using the word with the spelling I prefer. But I was impressed and amused by your diligence in consulting Merriam-Webster.

Jason: The only preference that matters is mine. So, as they say, "Hallah at yo' boy!"

Scrabble Smackdown

Jason and I played Scrabble frequently and we'd often goad each other in the hours leading up to a planned game. This is from a Gmail chat:

Jason: Witnessing your eventual defeat will be like tasting a Toll House Pie served on a platter of gold by 30 naked bisexual Swedish virgins during a Democratic Presidential Administration in the year when I am awarded the Pulitzer prize. I will pretend not to know you.

Grammar 101 (a Gmail chat)

Jason: I'm not sure if you fart "on" a plant, "near" a plant, or "toward" (aka "in the direction") of a plant. Thesis?
Ayelet: I'd say "toward" or "in the general vicinity of" the poor plant
Jason: It depends on the position of the farter in relation to the plant. I propose that farting "at the plant" might be the best way to state it. The plant might disagree, but this term seems most suitable for the action involved. This assumes, however, that you are using the plant to camoflauge your farts in a discreet manner--were your fart an act of aggression directed toward the plant, the term would have to be modified.
Ayelet: I'm not crazy with directing anything "at the plant"--that, to me, implies some aggression toward the plant. I say we stick with "toward" the plant.
Jason: This might actually be a brilliant new way of teaching prepositions, however. Think of how we can teach America's youth that a preposition is anything a farter can do to a plant! On, of, for, near, nearby, toward, in, inside, around... beside, underneath, over... at... etc. I have my course line scheduled for Grammar 101!

2006 Letter from University

After I had complained to him about the cleanliness of the bathrooms in my graduate school's building, Jason sent me the following email:

Dear Student,
As a Humanities Major, you are the red-headed stepchild of academia. Whether or not your hair is truly red is of no significance to this forum of discourse. While you are instrumental in keeping this institution running, you do not generate the revenue we need in order to stay viable. Therefore, we wisely choose to allocate our resources to the cleanliness of our Law and Business Departments, as the students of these departments will answer our pleas when it comes time to sign a check to the alumni association. Since they will be able to deliver monetary contributions after graduation, it is important that their asses are cleaner than yours.

Also, it is in your best interest to keep up the "squat", as most Humanities majors spend most of their time lying around reading (when they are not smoking dope). This University has grown tired of you intellectuals, and while you are very necessary in terms of teaching people, you really serve no purpose outside of the classroom. We are trying to alter this paradigm, and one approach that we have adopted is letting you wallow in the filth, muck and bile of your colleagues, so that you understand how worthless you really are. The upshots are that you get in shape with the "squat"; that you consider kicking your caffeine habit; and that you transfer to a major that is more suitable to our interests. In the meantime, we will continue to treat you as the second-class citizen that you have chosen to become.

I hope this clarifies these issues for you, and I wish you the best of luck in your studies!

Philip Theodore John, Assistant to the Assistant of Cleanliness Activities

2010 Facebook Post Thread

(1) 5:30 a.m. and I am drooling over my new kitchen gadgetry. A double masher (spring-loaded, of course), four creme brulee tureens (yes, I already have the torch), a double sided meat pounder, and something I fondly refer to as "the picker-upper-thingy." It looks like what Arnie used to get the bug out of his head in "Total Recall." Intervention, anyone?

(2) Oh, and to boot, I "re-upped" on the chili paste, in the hopes that it will assist me in making my inevitable colonoscopy as brief as humanly possible.

(3) And there's lobster in my fridge. Seriously, folks, intervention. I. Need. Help. It used to be record stores that got the better of me, now it's restaurant supply stores and the glommers-on that surround them like food groupies.